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my soap opra  Well Dustin got laid off from his job. He has another job offer but just not sure if it will go through or not. We are still separated and havent talked much about it we seem to be getting along and showing more signs of affections. A little bit here and there but hey it's better than nothing right? WE are stressed about money and bills since he was the only one working. I know he is stressed but im trying to be supportive but at the same time still try to live as if we are separated. THe kids all have colds right now and they are just being hyper and it its driving me nuts!!!! school is going alright i need to rasie my grade in one of my classes already. just alot going on at once. Current mood:  stressed.
literately. My kids all have it and now I'm starting to cough. I dyed my hair and the last couple of nights have been very well. sunday night Dustin cuddled with me almost all night and last night he wanted to get close and have me cuddle him. we are still separated but who knows what the future holds? I have told him I wasn't going to wait around on him and he has talked about winning the lotto and moving and me go with him and he would buy me my own house. Well I finally told him I wouldn't go since there aint nothing out there for me. I told him i'd either stay here or go home. ( back to vegas) He got really quiet and now it's like he's doing some serious thinking. calls 2 or 3 times a day to talk to me.AS much as I want to make my marriage work but Im not willing to sacrafice my happiness or things that i want to do. Until i hear an yes we are working things out or lets get back together I will be thinking about me and my kids. I have to let him know hes not running the show anymore that i wont let him go back and forth that he will lose me that im am not to be taken granted for if he wants me he will find a way to put me into his life and find a way to keep mr there. relationships take work. My poor kids they arent feeling well especially the baby hes been out on the couch for sometime now. (yes he is still breathing) well school is going alright for now i guess. Current mood:  determined.Current music: blurry by puddle of mudd. OK. today I decided to splurge a bit on myself, so I got a hair cut, its layered something I haven't done in a long time. I really like it. Then I painted my toe nails, which I've never done before. I think my feet look better now. My husband justl aughs at me and says I'm weird, but we are getting along better. He calls me alot more often and seems to be in a happier mood. We are still separated and I will be moving out sometime next month when I get my pell grant and depending on how much I get on it will determine how fast I leave. I might have a roommate though to help with things to make it easier she IS a single mother too. School is going great I think. It's keeping me busy. The schools and buses out here dont have aircontioning (I'm talking about Lorraine's school the public schools out here elementary, middle and high schools) so they are making school half days until they get the schools fixed. Now the buses aren't equipped with air conditioning out here and I think its wrong to put little kids on a hot bus especially with the record heat we are having out here in TN!!!! Current mood:  giddy.Current music: nobody's listening by linkin park. Hello to all. sorry I haven't been on I started college classes online back on July 30, and My daughter started second grade this week. My tire on my passenger side blew a belt on it and my husband might lose his job. (lately he's been happy around me which I hope is a good thing)I started babysitting to earn some extra cash while looking for a job, so I have been really busy. Dustin thought that this girl on his myspace was me got very angry about it and then proceeded to change his to say he was looking to date and looking for serious relationships which hurt me but I decided not to say anything about it and now he doesnt get on as much as I thought he would. I just dont know what else to do. he told me he wasnt looking for anyone and that he still had some feelings for me just not enough to sustain a marriage right now and he hasnt filed because he is confused and doesnt want to regret anything. so there's the update on that. Besides that and my truck I am looking for a daycare so I can go to work and move out like he wants me to since he thinks that us living separately would help him decide and work things out. School is going well for me. I just think he might go out and start dating when we live separately and then replace me sort of speak but I cant help but think his family is partly to blame. Current mood:  curious.Current music: still loving you by scorion. i know in my heart that its probably over but i cant seem to stop dwelling on it and the stuff he is doing so i wrote him a letter and sent it to his myspace.. in hopes that he will understand..... heres the letter i dont even know where to begin. i dont expect you to reply just aslong as you read this. i still care about you but i noticed that ever since ive had this myspace you havent commented me or even touched my bulletins. i havent even gotten a singal hi from you i know we see each other everyday but it still is nice to see something from you.ive been moved to #4... i know we are spearated but still im not sure what you want out of this or your intentions and i know you have said before you arent even sure. im not trying to push anything but i want you to know how i feel.so i am opening up telling you from my heart. i miss how you use to make me feel special like i was the only one now i feel like you dont even want to be seen with me. i feel invisiable and the only time you ackowledge my exsistance is when you want or need something. im not sure if we are suppose to be working things out or what we havent talked about anything towards either goal. the truth is i have stopped having sex with you for several reason (i am raw down there that is true) 1 i think its hindering what we should be doing.... what ever our outcome is suppose to be.2im doing this for me not to punish you.. lord knows this is hard for me to do this but i respect myself not to let anyone make me feel bad about myself. 3 i dont think you are doing this on purpose but its not fair to me to have you one min cuddling rubbing my back kissing me and then the next you're back to being cold its confusing and hurtful. its like you are doing it to get what you want if this isnt the case by all mean correct me and tell me how you feel.but at the same time i refuse to think there is nothing between us i know you can separate fellings from sex and i was ok with it up til now. iwant you to think about this question i dont want an answer... do you still love me if or are just just trying to get your "needs" met until you find someone else?... its not fair to me if thats the case. i dont want to give up with a fight for our marriage but at the same time it cant be done if only one person id fighting for it. i read that if you do stuff you did while you were dating will bring the spark back it worked then and "dating" while married helps bring the closeness and romance back.... i feel left out you dont invite me anywhere we havent done anything just the 2 of us since november back in florida. i dont want to hurt anymore again... i refuse to let you hurt me anymore or think that since i still care about you that ill let you do as you please with me...i feel like you think im easy and dont respect me as a person so i stopped having sex with you. if you love me and want me in your life then you will find a way to put me there but i will not wait around while you continue you back and forth pattern of behavior.its hurtful and mean and i dont feel i deserve that. i hope thats not the case only you know the answer to that. just incase you arent sure of what i want i will tell you..i want to feel special and know im in their heart..they take me places i know im #1 there isnt any other girl i want to feel the warmth and affection through their touch words and actions if im nervous or scared of whatever he will put his arms around me and make me feel and know it will all be alright. even after being together for awhile he will call me or send me little stuff becuase he knows it will make me smile and brighten up my day. i dont need any man to make me feel happy but makes happier and even more complete as a person... i use to believe that was you.. and deep down part of me still feels that way about you. think back about 3 years and remember when you wouold come home from work i would greet you with a hug and a kiss the smile on your face said it all your warm touch... you stopped that and allowing me in you stopped inviting me places as a couple and you were the one who shut me out... i kept trying to put you in my life but you thought i just wanted to drink and party.i turned to anger instead of telling you and im sorry i dont know any other way to tell you and thought that if i staied angry and stopped doing stuff you would get the hint and it would all turn around. i was wrong. but i am pouring out my heart and being vulnerable to you i pray that you will be gentle. im not always right but if i am wrong let me know tell me how you feel open up to me. as i said before i dont expect an answer i just want you to read this. well he came home last night and read it didnt say a word wrote an email and he went to bed like he just shut down this morning he didnt say much to me as if he was resentful towards me he got the kids dressed and took them to the zoo i got online and the email he wrote was to a girl telling her i was abusing his kindness he called me his ex wife and that i was suppose to be out in a month... he never told me that... im so hurt right now i cant stop crying i was trying to open up the lines of communication not push him away. what do i do now? Current mood:  crushed.Current music: loser by 3 doors down. well dustin finally got his turck up and running now my blazer's front passanger tire is about to fall off its needs to be replaced!!! they put another bolt in it but who knows how long that will hold it. i have no luck at all lately. on a brighter note university of phoenix called me yeah i should be starting college in about 2 weeks im excited and nervous at the same time!!! since i have no clue if we are suppose to be working things out of not ive decided to go my own way for my sake too much craziness for me right now. i will write more later time to clean up a bit Current mood: determined.
well this weekend was that bad. we got dustins truck running enough to take it to the shop. pretty soon ill have my truck back and hopefully it lasts more than 4 months at least until i can get another one around tax time. ive been job hunting but cant do much until i find day care and with the babys shots not up to date im having no luck. hes finally feeling better but i have no insurance to cover his shots. its a never ending circle. the kids are napping now and dustin was having a bad day at work so he might be home early.im very bored and aggitated just like nothing is going right!!! well im going to hop off and go clean Current mood:  bored.
i know this will be short but i read online that a mom got mad at her husband so to teach him a lesson she put their 3 week old baby in the microwave and fried him to death!!! how on earth can someone be sooo cruel to an innocent baby? Current mood:  nauseated.
today started off a bit weird maybe cuz last night my dear hubby tried to force himself on me i had to choke him to get him off he kept telling me to shush it which pissed me off then he said i want to talk to you..... so after i choked him i got up and went into the bathroom didnt go back to bed until after midnight sometime.. woke up after 10 am which isnt normal for me at all... i need to get out.... today the kids have been alright i just have a temper from last night that i cant seem to shake off. i would love to win the lotto then i can get me a better car and get the hell out of here... im not a fighter so i feel even worse for having to use physical force...... how can i look at him when he gets home from work??? Current mood:  shocked.Current music: with a broken wing by matrina mcbride. ok.. i know i posted earlier but i was soo angry when dustin came home he started annoying the kids to make them cry and whine and i just snapped then he asked what was wrong i told him i wanted to be left alone he said i feel like we are going in circles here..WTF??? going in circles??? cuz i dont want to talk and he never does im not sure one min i think we are working things out and everything is fine then the next he'll do or say something that makes me think other wise..how should i know if he doesnt tell me??? in his mind he thinks ill never leave that i love him and that ill just roll over and thats not me i refuse to do that but since we are separated i feel i shouldnt have to talk to him if he wont tell me whats going on or anything and talk about me like im a horrible person to his family... he took the kids out to eat which is fine with me gives me some time to myself but he takes the kids out b=one by one i can count on one hand the last time he took me out somewhere just me and him without me bugging about it in 2 years!!! so im just not sure i know being angry about it isnt going to help any..... but its nice to have some quiet time... they should be home shortly..hopefully you all read my last entry before this one Current mood:  moody.Current music: home- 3days grace. |
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